In long-term relationships, arguments are inevitable. However, if after each argument, there is only a cold war or a perfunctory apology, the conflicts will keep accumulating and gradually wear down the feelings. The “conflict review” process, through the steps of “sorting out problems after calming down, expressing feelings candidly, and jointly formulating solutions”, transforms quarrels from “conflicts that hurt feelings” into “opportunities to understand each other”. The more it is reviewed, the more it can enhance mutual understanding and make the relationship more stable.
The first step in a “conflict review” is to “choose the right time and sort it out calmly”. After an argument, don’t review it when you are emotionally agitated. Wait until both sides have calmed down (it is recommended to wait 1-2 days after the argument), and choose a quiet private space (such as the living room at home) to each sort out the “trigger”, “core differences” and “your own emotional changes” of this argument. For instance, if you have an argument over “the other party coming home late without reporting”, you can first clarify: the trigger is “no news for three hours after coming home late”, the core disagreement is “You feel ignored, the other party feels it’s just a temporary overtime and forgot to mention it”, and your own emotions are “worry + anger”.
The second step is to “express oneself candidly, without blaming or bringing up past grievances.” When reviewing, share your feelings and thoughts in the form of “I”, and avoid accusatory language like “You are always” or “you have never been”. For instance, you came home late that day without saying anything. I waited from 7 o ‘clock until 10 o ‘clock, constantly worried that you might have had an accident. The longer I waited, the more anxious I became. So when I saw you come back, I couldn’t help but lose my temper. It wasn’t that I meant to blame you; it was just that I was too anxious at that time. At the same time, listen carefully to the other person’s thoughts. For instance, the other person might say: “That day, I was working overtime at the last minute to catch up on a project. My phone ran out of battery. I was thinking of finishing it as soon as possible and didn’t borrow my colleague’s phone in time. I didn’t expect you to be so worried. It’s my fault for not considering things thoroughly.” ” When listening, do not interrupt or refute, and truly understand the other person’s starting point.
The third step is to “jointly formulate a ‘prevention plan'”. The ultimate goal of a review is to avoid further arguments over similar issues next time. For instance, regarding “returning late without reporting”, it can be agreed upon together: “If you need to return late in the future, use a colleague’s phone or borrow a power bank to send a message in advance, even if it’s just saying ‘I’ll be back later’.” If your phone runs out of battery, explain the situation as soon as you come back. Jointly formulating plans can give both sides a sense of participation and also make each other feel that “we are jointly maintaining this relationship”, avoiding the recurrence of conflicts.