In the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the role of the husband is of vital importance – if he always avoids “you two solve it yourselves”, the conflict will accumulate deeper and deeper. If one party is partial to saying “My mom/my daughter-in-law is not wrong”, it will make the other party feel “isolated”. The core of “bridge-style” communication is to “comfort both ends, filter out the negative, and convey kindness”, making the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law feel that “he is working hard for our relationship” rather than “he is helping each other”.
The first step is “listen separately and do not rush to judge.” When a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law complain to their husband, they should listen patiently first without interrupting or refuting. For instance, if the mother-in-law says, “My daughter-in-law always piles her clothes on the sofa. I’ve told her several times but she doesn’t listen,” the husband should not immediately say, “She’s just lazy.” Instead, he should respond, “Mom, I know you feel uncomfortable seeing this mess. I’ll talk to her carefully later.” When the daughter-in-law complains, “Mom always feeds the baby what adults eat,” the husband should not blame her, saying, “My mom is just being kind.” Instead, he should say, “I understand you are worried about the baby’s stomach and intestines. I will explain to Mom the importance of scientific feeding.” It is more important to first accept the emotions of both sides and let them feel “understood” than to rush to judge right from wrong.
The second step is to “filter out the negative and convey ‘kind transformation words’.” Husbands should not directly pass on one party’s complaints to the other. For instance, instead of saying “My mom said you piled up your clothes”, they should say “Mom said there have been many things at home recently and you are tired from work, so she asked me to help you tidy up more of your clothes.” Instead of saying “My wife complains that you feed the baby adult food”, I would say “My wife thinks it’s too hard for you to take care of the baby. She has looked up some ways to make baby complementary foods and wants to learn together with you to make the baby eat healthier.” By “transforming the negative and conveying kindness”, the sense of opposition between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can be reduced, allowing them to feel that “the other is actually caring about them”.
The third step is to “create ‘mutual interaction’ and defuse awkwardness.” If the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law fall into a cold war due to conflicts, the husband can take the initiative to create opportunities for interaction: for instance, on the weekend, he can say, “Mom, you said you wanted to eat dumplings last time. Your wife happens to know how to make fillings. Let’s make dumplings together.” After buying some fruits, she said, “These are the apples that Mom loves to eat. Honey, wash a few and take them to Mom.” During the process of doing things together, the husband can strike up a conversation at the right time: “Mom, look how fragrant the filling your daughter-in-law has prepared is” “Daughter-in-law, the shape of the dumplings your mom made is so beautiful.” Use light-hearted topics to break the awkwardness and gradually ease the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law through interaction.