When going on a blind date, it’s inevitable to encounter situations where there are differences in values: for instance, you think “Life should focus on quality and spend when necessary”, while the other person believes “be thrifty and save more money”. You think, “Focus on your career after marriage and have children later,” while your partner believes, “Family first, have children as soon as possible after marriage.” When many people encounter such differences, they will directly assume that they are “not suitable”, thus missing the opportunity for possible adjustment. In fact, differences in values are not a “one-vote veto”. The key lies in using the right communication methods to understand the reasons behind the differences and determine whether mutual tolerance can be achieved, rather than directly denying each other.
When Wang Yuan and her blind date talked about their “consumption views”, she found that there was a big difference: Wang Yuan likes a “refined life” and spends a portion of her money every month on skin care products and going to the gym. The other party, however, thought, “These are all unnecessary expenses. It’s better to save them for buying a house.” At first, Wang Yuan felt that the two were not a good match, but she didn’t end the chat directly. Instead, she asked curiously, “It seems that you attach great importance to saving money. Do you have any special plans?” The other party explained, “My hometown is in the countryside. It’s not easy for my parents to support my education. I want to save up enough for the down payment as soon as possible to bring them to live in the city.” Hearing this reason, Wang Yuan understood the other person’s consumption view and also voluntarily shared her own thoughts: “I actually have a savings plan too. I just think that within my ability, improving the quality of life can give me more motivation to work. Our goal is actually ‘to make life better’, but the way is a bit different.” Later, the two found that although their consumption patterns were different, their core demands were the same. Gradually, they learned to be tolerant of each other – Wang Yuan cut down on unnecessary expenses, and the other party was also willing to accompany her occasionally to experience the activities she liked.
When dealing with differences in values during a blind date, the first step is to “not rush to deny but first ‘be curious’ about the reasons.” When encountering differences, don’t directly say “We are not a good match” or “your idea is wrong”. Instead, use curious questions like “why” and “is it” to understand the reasons for the formation of the other person’s values. For example, when talking about “fertility views”, if the other person says “I want to have a child earlier”, you can ask: “You hope to have a child earlier. Is it related to the family atmosphere?” After understanding the reasons, you may find that the other person’s thoughts are not “unreasonable”, but have a reasonable background (such as the parents being old and wanting to help take care of the child earlier).
Secondly, it is necessary to “clarify the ‘core differences’ and the’ secondary differences'”. There are two types of value differences: one is the “core difference” (for instance, if you pursue “DINK”, the other party insists on “having two children”; if you want to “strive in a big city”, the other party only wants to “return to their hometown to live a stable life”). Such differences involve the core direction of future life. If no compromise is made, it is indeed difficult to continue. Another type is “secondary differences” (such as consumption views and the priority of interests and hobbies), which can be smoothed out through mutual tolerance and adjustment of habits. For instance, if you prefer “weekend outings” and the other person likes “resting at home”, you can make an agreement to “travel for a week and stay at home for a week” to meet each other’s needs.
When communicating, it is also necessary to “express your own needs” rather than “ask the other party to change”. Don’t use the sentence pattern of “You should be like me”, but say “I hope we can find a way that is comfortable for both of us in this matter”, for example, “I usually like to eat out occasionally and can also accept cooking at home. We can discuss the weekly diet arrangement together.” This way of expression can make the other person feel that you “respect his ideas and also want to take into account your own needs”, rather than “forcing him to change”.
The significance of a blind date is not to “find someone who is exactly the same”, but to “find someone who can understand each other and tolerate differences”. Only by replacing negation with curiosity and opposition with communication can we more objectively judge whether each other are suitable and avoid missing out on truly compatible people due to “surface differences”.
