In the interaction between men and women, appropriate dependence can make the relationship closer – for instance, seeking help from each other when encountering difficulties, sharing happiness with each other, and hoping for each other’s company when needed. However, excessive dependence can put pressure on the other person: for instance, having the other person make all the decisions, being unable to live independently without them, and constantly needing their attention. This kind of “burst-like dependence” will gradually wear down the other person’s patience and may even lead to the breakdown of the relationship. To grasp the boundary of “moderate dependence”, the key lies in “maintaining ‘independent ability’, clarifying the ‘scope of dependence’, and respecting the other party’s ‘personal space'”.
First of all, one must “maintain ‘independence’ and not lose oneself”. Dependence doesn’t mean “losing the ability to live independently”. For instance, when the other person is not around, you can cook for yourself, handle work issues, and take good care of your own emotions. When it comes to making a choice, you have your own thoughts and won’t say, “Just help me decide.” Maintaining independence can make the other person feel that “you can’t do without me”, and instead, they will appreciate you more. After my friend Lily started dating her boyfriend, she still maintained her social circle and made an afternoon tea appointment with her best friend once a week. I would also try to solve my own work problems first. If I really didn’t understand, I would ask my boyfriend for help. My boyfriend said, “I like her independent look. There’s no pressure when I’m with her.”
Secondly, it is necessary to “clarify the ‘scope of reliance’ and not rely on everything.” Dependence should focus on “emotional needs” and “things that cannot be done alone”, such as hoping for the other’s care when one is ill, hoping for the other’s support when encountering major setbacks, and seeking help from the other when one needs to lift heavy objects. For small matters like “What to wear today”, “what to have for lunch”, or “what brand of shampoo to buy”, try to make your own decisions and don’t rely on the other party. Clarifying the scope of reliance can reduce the burden on the other party and allow them to focus their energy on “where they are truly needed”.
Also, “respect the other person’s ‘personal space’ and don’t be overly clingy.” Even if the relationship is very good, you should still leave some time for the other person to be alone or spend time with friends. For example, if the other person wants to play ball games with friends, don’t complain, “You’d rather be with your friends than with me,” but say, “Have fun and remember to tell me after it’s over.” The other person wants to stay at home and read quietly for a while. Don’t keep disturbing him. Instead, do what you like by yourself. Respecting personal space can make the other person feel “trusted”, and also allow you to have time to focus on your own interests, avoiding suffocating the relationship due to being “overly clingy”.