After experiencing a partner’s infidelity, many people struggle between “forgiving” and “leaving”. Even if they choose to forgive, rebuilding trust becomes the most difficult task. Once trust is shattered, it’s like a broken mirror; no matter how you try to piece it back together, there will always be cracks. Rebuilding trust requires both sides to put in double the patience and effort, and it’s by no means something that can be accomplished with just a simple “I was wrong.”
The first step in rebuilding trust is the “transparency” action of the unfaithful party. The unfaithful party cannot merely rely on verbal apologies. They need to take the initiative to make their life “transparent” : for instance, they should voluntarily share their phone passwords and travel plans, not hide any social activities, and even voluntarily reduce individual contact with the opposite sex. After my friend Lily’s husband had an affair, in order to rebuild trust, she would inform Lily of her whereabouts before leaving home every day, return home promptly after work, keep her phone on 24 hours a day, and report via video every day when she was on a business trip. With continuous “transparency”, she broke Lily’s suspicion.
The second step is “emotional acceptance” by the unfaithful party. The person who has been cheated on doesn’t have to force themselves to “let go quickly”. They can allow themselves to have emotions such as suspicion, anger and sadness, but they should avoid “repeatedly bringing up past grievances” and “excessive surveillance”. Lily once couldn’t resist checking her husband’s phone and asking about the details of his infidelity. Later, following the advice of a counselor, she began to keep an emotional diary, writing down her dissatisfaction and anxiety, and at the same time tried to divert her attention, gradually reducing her “excessive focus” on her husband.
Rebuilding trust is a long process that may take 1 to 2 years or even longer. Both sides should be prepared for “repeated episodes”, such as the occasional emotional outbursts of the unfaithful party and the occasional fatigue and slackness of the unfaithful party, all of which require mutual tolerance. Only when the unfaithful party keeps making efforts and the unfaithful party gradually lets go can trust be gradually restored through repeated “reconfirmation”.